What’s wrong with me?
Lately I’ve heard this question from clients and family alike. They are exhausted, stressed and anxious. They find themselves overreacting, having trouble focusing, and feeling an overall lack of motivation. I have also noticed on an anecdotal level, that the more over-achieving they are, the higher their expectations and the harder they are on themselves. They blame the difficult feelings and fear they are having on themselves. Since it feels like something is wrong, they think something is wrong with them.
There’s nothing wrong with you.
There has been something very wrong with the world in which we are living, and it has taken its toll. The thing we might be doing “wrong” is engaging in resilience-limiting rather than resilience-building mindsets and behaviors. Abruptly changing to working from home and essentially having to re-learn how to be effective in our work, set off a cascading effect of stress and hardship. Even those of us that already worked from home were probably not also educating children, wiping down groceries, and running a doggie-daycare and full-time catering service. It has been an enormous adjustment with a huge amount change for everyone. The year-long, worldwide pandemic also brought extreme tragedy and loss for many. Living with the fear of illness and loss of life has been debilitating.
Our lack of control and the overwhelming uncertainty in the situation has exacerbated our feelings even more.
For those of us who have dealt with severe loneliness, loss of personal space and livelihood, that too has had negative repercussions. These are not just feelings that we can ignore. This whole new state of reality is catching up with us. It is only natural that the fear and anxiety would permeate our inner conversations and our external choices. Instead of accepting that our situation is the culprit and building up our resilience to respond, we have done the opposite. We have asked, “what’s wrong with me?” instead of, “what do I need to accept and do to survive/thrive in this difficult situation?” If ever there was a time for resilience skill-building, this is it!
Dispelling Unhelpful and Inaccurate Myths About Resilience*
Myth One: You’re either resilient or you’re not. You cannot learn resilience. Untrue! Resilient people engage in specific practices that develop their resilience. Anyone, who is willing to work at it, can adopt these practices and increase their own resilience.
Myth Two: Resilient people do not feel sad or stressed. They are tough and unemotional. Untrue! Resilient people feel the whole range of feelings, including more upsetting ones. Their practice of accepting and validating all of their feelings increases their resilience.
Myth Three: Resilient people bounce back effortlessly. Untrue! Resilient people work consciously and consistently to expect that difficult times will come and to prepare by practicing resilience-building choices.
Myth Four:Resilient people handle it on their own. They do not need help. Untrue! Resilient people tend to utilize all available resources, whether it is using their vacation time or seeking out a mental health practitioner. The resilient mindset is that it takes strength to ask for help when needed.
Practical Suggestions to Increase Resilience*
· Respond to your inner critic by replacing judgment with acceptance.
· Use mindfulness to notice and accept your feelings. Give yourself what you need.
· Hold a long-term perspective to avoid overreacting to current challenges.
· Focus on what is within your control.
· Hold a mindset of gratitude.
· Accept, even expect, that bad things will happen. Instead of asking, “why me?” validate your feelings, get the support you need, and learn what you can from the experience.
· Talk to a trusted friend, a supportive manager and/or a therapist, and try new strategies.
· Nourish your body with healthy food, exercise and sleep.
· Nourish your soul with strong interpersonal relationships.
· Understand that stress-inducing activities (i.e. watching 24/7 news) trick our bodies into a fight or flight response: releasing cortisol and adrenalin, increasing heart rate, and causing difficulty with sleeping and eating.
· Live your values. Spend time doing things that bring meaning and joy to your life.
*Based on research by Lucy Hone, Angela Duckworth and Martin Seligman.
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